Lionizing

— — — — all people went Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.

— Bishop Hall's Satires .

I AM - that is to say I was - a great man; but I am neither the author of Junius nor the man in the mask; for my name, I believe, is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge.

The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands. My mother saw this and called me a genius: my father wept for joy and presented me with a treatise on Nosology. This I mastered before I was breeched.

I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently conspicuous he might, by merely following it, arrive at a Lionship. But my attention was not confined to theories alone. Every morning I gave my proboscis a couple of pulls and swallowed a half dozen of drams.

When I came of age my father asked me, one day, If I would step with him into his study.

"My son," said he, when we were seated, "what is the chief end of your existence?"

"My father," I answered, "it is the study of Nosology."

"And what, Robert," he inquired, "is Nosology?"

"Sir," I said, "it is the Science of Noses."

"And can you tell me," he demanded, "what is the meaning of a nose?"

"A nose, my father;" I replied, greatly softened, "has been variously defined by about a thousand different authors." [Here I pulled out my watch.] "It is now noon or thereabouts - we shall have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To commence then: - The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance — that bump - that excrescence - that - "

"Will do, Robert," interrupted the good old gentleman. "I am thunderstruck at the extent of your information - I am positively — upon my soul." [Here he closed his eyes and placed his hand upon his heart.] "Come here!" [Here he took me by the arm.] "Your education may now be considered as finished - it is high time you should scuffle for yourself - and you cannot do a better thing than merely follow your nose — so - so - so - " [Here he kicked me down stairs and out of the door] - "so get out of my house, and God bless you!"